Confessions of an Unbeliever

I’m becoming convinced that every single problem I face can be traced back to my unbelief in the promises of Jesus. Between sermons I’ve recently heard, articles and books I’ve read, and the experiences God has granted me recently, I am more certain that my uncertainty is the root cause of much of my grief and spiritual and emotional anguish.

For example, the hurt I experience from a friend who did not meet my expectations and in some way disappointed me is something that can be traced back to my unbelief in the promises of God. My worry about the future and what my career path looks like can be traced back to my unbelief in the promises of God. My proclivity to build walls around my heart and mentally or emotionally withdraw from intimate and vulnerable situations can be traced back to my unbelief in the promises of God.

How is this possible?

Because every time I let my circumstances dictate my emotional response – every time I allow hurt and frustration to inspire fear, worry, or insecurities which take over my mind, I am actively disbelieving that God is all-sufficient, as He says he is. Instead, I am choosing to place my security and my confidence in people and situations. And every time I misplace this security in someone or something other than God, I am setting myself up for an agonizing disappointment.

When my security is placed in anything other than God, the moment that a person or a thing does not meet my need for fulfillment, I am suddenly left feeling very empty and needy. This feeling profoundly affects my self-image, my interactions with others, and my motivation to excel or push forward to get past the misery of being let down.

Sound familiar?

Previously, I have thought of unbelief as a very passive offense. Example: “I don’t believe that going without food for a day will dramatically impact my physical well-being.” I can go through the day (and I often have) and neglect to eat, possibly because I forget to eat, but when I feel faint at the end of the day and then recall that I have not nourished my body all day, my unbelief becomes an active aggressor against my physical well-being.

In the same way, verbalizing that I believe in the promises of God holds no power when I live with a far different approach to relationships, tasks, trials, and joys. If I say I believe that God is all that I need yet I have a constant worry that plagues me daily or I turn to an unhealthy vice every time I’m depressed, then I am not actively living out that promise. On the contrary, I am actively living out my unbelief.

I was reading in John chapter 6 tonight. Right after the passage about the feeding of the 5,000, Jesus has a conversation with a crowd in Capernaum. Here is how the conversation went:

Crowd: “What must we do to be doing the works of God?”

Jesus: “This is the work of God: that you believe in him whom he has sent.”

Crowd: “Then what signs do you do, that we may see and believe you? What work do you perform? Our fathers ate the manna in the wilderness.”

Do you see what just happened in those few verses (John 6:28-31)? The crowds ask what the works of God are. Jesus says that believing in the Son of God is the work of God. And then the crowd asks what God is going to do to prove that. They want to be provided for in the way that they see fit. But what does Jesus say? (Check out verses 32-33 if you want the verbatim conversation.)

Jesus: “My Father gives you the true bread from heaven. For the bread of God is he who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world…I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst.”

Whoa. Jesus isn’t just the only bread that will satisfy, he is the TRUE bread. Those who come to Jesus will never hunger and never thirst. And he isn’t just talking about physical hunger and thirst here.

Do you see what is happening in this passage? These people want to be fulfilled. And they are accustomed to running to other things to fulfill them. But like us, they keep coming up empty. So they want Jesus to do something miraculous to show them that he is providing for them. And he replies by telling them he has already done something miraculous because HE is the miracle and HE is the only one who will ever satisfy.

So my question is this…why do I run from that truth and into the arms of other people, places, jobs, education, volunteer opportunities, social functions, things that will keep me busy in an attempt to fill a gap that only Jesus can fill?

Why do I, a lover of God who has been cleansed and healed and is being sanctified, continue to choose pain over power and defeat over victory when God so clearly spells out what true life and satisfaction looks like in His Word?

I could easily say that it is merely because I am sinful and fated to choose evil over good – that it is the way I am wired, as a human. But go with me here – let’s actually own up to some of this.

Could it be that like Adam and Eve, we continue to choose the fruit that we think will satisfy only to find that death awaits after the first bite? Could it be that in the midst of a garden of trees is the One tree that has life-giving fruit that will never leave us hungry yet we are continually distracted by the other trees which look more appetizing and settle for pain, self-loathing, disappointment, and hurt instead?

Jesus is standing before us with his arms open wide and with holes in both hands saying,

“It is me. I am the One that will satisfy. I am the only One that will satisfy. Stop deriving your value from the approval of others. Stop hiding behind humor, sarcasm, indifference, pride, humility, material possessions, family, friends, careers…stop relying on all of those things to keep you stable, to be your security, because you want them to sustain you but they won’t. You want them to make you stronger, but your dire need for those things to satisfy you and fill that gap inside of you is draining all of the life out of you – can’t you see? Come to ME. And I will give you life to the fullest. And I will give you life everlasting.”

I really feel like God is saying that to me in this season of transition, soul-searching, strength-finding, career building. And I feel like God is saying that to all of us, every day, as we turn to lesser gods for strength and come up empty and wanting every time. 

We should not be discouraged by our unsuccessful attempts to find satisfaction. On the contrary, we should be greatly encouraged that those things do not satisfy. Because in our misery – in our search for satisfaction – we find Jesus waiting to embrace us and fill us with an endless supply of all that we will ever need.

His grace is sufficient. For me. His grace is all-sufficient for me.

May we enter into active belief.

To contact the author of this post with private questions or comments, please email Sarah at


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s